On this radiantly clear and beautiful sunny day, I feel the saddest I have felt in a long time. I wish it was pouring rain today instead so that I wouldn’t feel so bad about sitting inside, in my stupidly hot apartment, away from the golden sunshine and breezy air.
Sometimes you think you really know someone, and you think that despite certain hardships or difficult situations you experience together, your love and care and respect for each other will remain constant and solid. You’re wrong. Sometimes you’re just the fool who believes that those feelings of love, of unconditional friendship and support are reciprocated when in reality, you’re alone in your efforts.
The hurt you feel in that moment of realization is different from the heartache of a broken relationship. You’re at once angry, in disbelief, and crestfallen that after sharing a decade of your lives together, that you could be treated with such chilled nonchalance, that in order for this person to begin to understand your cry for help, you’d actually have to spell it. You’d have to bash them over the head with it, to make up for the fact that this person is absolutely incapable of being empathetic to others, incapable of being sensitive or caring enough to put effort into even trying to understand how you might be feeling. So either this person A) is too dense to realize that maybe things have been really hard for you and that they might reach out just to see how you’re doing, or B) this person has an idea that you might be going through a difficult time but they simply don’t care enough to extend any kind of warmth, in love or in friendship. So which is worse?
It’s finally dawned on me that for the last 6 months, you’ve consistently let me down in the way you’ve treated me. You’ve shown little to no consideration for my feelings, and even when, by some miracle, you actually acknowledge that you’ve done something wrong, it’s just exactly that–an acknowledgement, and not an apology. You do things that are convenient for you, and you make it so that we work on your timeline because you think, subconsciously or otherwise, that you can dictate the terms of our situation. The only time you were proactive in reaching out and showing interest in me, and being nice to me, was when you wanted something from me and when I wasn’t willing to open that can of worms, you went back to being inconsiderate, distant, and cold. I am in complete disbelief that a few days ago, when you knew I was having a difficult time dealing with recent events, you screened my call and didn’t even have the courtesy to call me back and responded only with a sterile text and a suggestion that I put my feelings into an email. An email? Really? Are you fucking kidding me?? What am I, your former college roommate who lives in a different province?? Is that how you treat someone you’ve shared 10 years of your life with, someone who you claim you’ll always be a friend to? You couldn’t even do me the courtesy of calling me back, let alone seeing me and giving me your time to listen to what I have to say, which is what I deserve after all we’ve been through. I did that for you in your time of need, and until yesterday I knew, without a doubt, that I’d do it again. I would rearrange my plans if you were to reach out with a need, and I would go over to see you and listen to you, and be there for you. Instead, you made me feel like I was an inconvenience to you and worse, that I wasn’t important enough for you to revise your plans ever so slightly, so that you can take the time to sit with me and talk with me, as a true friend would. Instead, you brushed me off as if I was an annoying acquaintance from high school who you’re forced to humour occasionally with closed-ended texts. You insinuated that the problem was on my end because I tend to “understate my feelings”. Really? After a decade together, do you really still need me to spell shit out for you? Can you not figure it out with your own brain? It’s not fucking rocket science, it’s really not. Your problem is that you simply don’t know how to treat people like human beings. You’re incapable of putting yourself aside for a moment in order to show support to people who you claim are important to you.
So now you’ve undid all my positive steps forward and, after having dragged me back into a cold, dark emotional place I had worked so hard to leave, abandoned me.
I’ve finally realized that your words are empty and worth nothing because your actions don’t validate them. Maybe it’s my own fault for having expectations of you; I should have known better. I’ll know not to make that mistake again.
I’m sick of having you consume my thoughts and my time. I’ve had enough of the constant wondering, of being disappointed by you over and over again. I can no longer swallow that hollow pain of waiting for that phone call/text/email you know will never come, but blindly hope for anyway. You hope that you’d be wrong and that this person would come through for you, because you want to believe that the underlying foundation of love and friendship will ultimately conquer whatever difficulties you’re faced with.
But sometimes you’re just the fool who blindly believes in something that turns out to be nothing. And then you find yourself sitting inside on a glorious summer’s day, pouring your thoughts and tears out to a virtual space instead of being outside, enjoying life.